The Good Things and The Bad Things
by dull.moonlight
Summary: What do you get when an author gets bored, Sirius has a crush, and James becomes evil? Well, you'll have to read to find out - won't you? One-shot... (Alternative title: The Charts Are Evilly Grellow Green & Yellow)


**Disclaimer: I don't own many things. So HA! Take that, Barbies! I mean, oh, I love you... –twitch– Anyhow, I was hyper and I felt like writing it. I'm aware it's probably crap, but whatever. I'll get over it and you'll get over it. Just be happy it doesn't include Snape and Sirius snogging their minds out – because that kind of stuff stays to haunt you forever and ever. Trust me, I know. Yeah... Well then – just read. Have fun. That's all. Yep. Really, it is. No, REALLY! Why are you still reading, get to the FF already! –sigh– Okay, okay, I'll shut up... Budda...

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There are good things and there are bad things. One good thing is me. I'm the best out of everyone in the world (and I know you're going to disagree – and waste your breath – so don't even start). Maybe I should introduce myself. I am "Padfoot" Sirius Lee John Riley Black – yes, it is a long name, deal with it or I shall smite you with all my smiting power. Anyhow, let me get on with this. As I said, there are bad things, and I've already given you an example of a good thing so...can you guess what's next? Of course you can't, so I'll just tell you... 

Next is an example of a bad thing. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking. 'How can someone as sexy and good as Sirius Black know anything about bad things?' Well, fret no more, for I shall answer all your questions! Well, not all of them, but that one anyway. Oh, you don't believe me? Well then stop reading. I dare you. You're still reading? Wow, you're really persistent, aren't you? Well, that's what I thought. You can't resist my greatness! Bwahaha! Echem...sorry about that. Anyway, a bad thing: "Prongs" James Isaac Jeremy Don Potter. He is the worst thing that's ever happened to this world. Don't let me convince you any differently because I'm his best friend – oh no! Take my warnings and cherish them!

He is plotting to do the worst evil in the world – yes, yes, I know, it stinks. Trust me, you never want to suddenly find out that your bestest best friend in the whole wide world has evil plots to destroy everyone in the human race...or tell your crush that you fancy her... But those are both evil and should be treated as such. Oh yes, I know that you have no idea about what or whom I'm talking about. So I shall tell you – or will I? Yeah, I think I will, 'cause if I don't I'll be slammed into an oncoming car on the right side of the road, near a deer crossing. Then Bambi and the other woodland creatures that claim to be his friends will walk all over my bloody carcass – that's the part they cut out of the book...movie...whatever it was!

Now then, we come to the what and the who. Exhibit A: Hestia Jones. The best person (other than me) that has ever lived. She is great, I tell you! She is a huge flirt – just like me – and a great dancer. Trust me, I know. And she is very good looking. Yes, yes, I know what you're all thinking: You and her should go out together. And I think so too – so that's one thing we agree on, unlike your face. Sorry, I couldn't resist with that one... Heh. Anyhow, as I was saying... Hestia is my match – I swear. But, sadly enough, we aren't going out...sigh...Okay then, that was the who and we shall now move on to the what. Bwahaha! Echem... sorry about that, too...

Exhibit B: James Potter and his evil plans. As you can see from the chart, he is planning to kill everyone in Hogwarts with a banana peel and – ... Oh, wait... That was mine. Heh... Hang on as I just go get the OTHER chart... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Thanks. Now then, as you can see from the chart, that evil James Potter intends to find Subject H (Ms. Jones) and tell her about my undivided love for her. – Crap! That evil James Potter heard the 'undivided love' part and now he's going to tell her about that too! You know, I might as well just go up to her myself and tell her that I'm some kind of weird stalker kid who digs her tissues out of the trash to add to a shrine of her that I made out of carrots... _That isn't true, of course!_

So, now that you know the bad things about all of this, let me tell you a few other things that I feel I should warn you about. One, the river dancing chipmunks (similar to the tap dancing bunnies) who will try to get you to do the river dance with them – and then they'll move on to Square Dancing... Shiver whilst you can! Two, people named Fiona. According to Jupiter and the arrangement of the stars, people named Fiona will bring death, disease, and black cookies among you – trust me, it's evil (like Divination). Three, I would watch out for Ralph the Tomato – you never know what he's plotting. OH GEEZE! I gotta go, everyone... Hestia just walked in and – hey, she looks like she wants to snog someone... Well then... You just wasted about ten minutes of your life. I'll meet you later, anyhow. Don't wait up for me, Hestia is waiting.


End file.
